Today is the start of October, and the first day of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I usually don't call much attention to observances other than Christmas, Easter, and so forth, but this one has been on my mind quite a bit lately. My last pregnancy loss was in or around 2008. I don't recall the exact date as I was so deeply hurt by the whole thing that I tried to push it to the back of my mind. And because of the various traumas I've experienced, it's a bit cloudy in there. But I do recall that this was my fifth miscarriage and the second of which had to be dealt with surgically. It was a very sad time in my life and this particular ending marked the beginning of a major shift for me.
When my husband and I first married, we weren't interested in having kids. We thought we would wait a bit and then maybe try for a child or two. After a couple of years, we figured it was time to try. And within a few months, we were expecting. I was very excited at the prospect of having a baby--excited and terrified. But after the test showed positive, I set aside my fears and began to prepare myself to become a mother. Sadly, within about six weeks, there was a problem. I went to my doctor, and she said that there was no pregnancy. Whatever it had been had disappeared, and she was reluctant to even call it a miscarriage because it had been so early. So, we accepted the fact that it wasn't time, and we decided to try again after a bit of time passed.
A few months later, I had another positive test. Thankfully, I had decided to switch doctors at that time. My new doctor acknowledged the pregnancy right away and she prescribed the necessary vitamins and so forth so that the best possible conditions were set for the growth of my child. I'm so thankful for this woman who helped me complete this pregnancy without a problem and who helped make it possible for me to give birth to a healthy, baby girl some twenty-one years ago. After that, I found that I desperately wanted another child. There's something about having a baby that just injects your heart and soul with so much love and joy. I never wanted that feeling of having a newborn baby to disappear. But babies grow quickly and before I knew it, my little girl was a year old. My husband and I decided to try again. After all, what could be better than having a little brother or sister for our daughter?
Sadly, my next pregnancy lasted about eight weeks. The one after that was about ten weeks or so. And after that, we reached twelve weeks. At our checkup, the doctor had been doing an ultrasound and she pointed out that the baby was no longer viable. She set up a procedure to remove the child and I spent the next year or so in a deep pit of grief.
After so many losses, I told my husband that we could try one more time. If it didn't work this time, we needed to accept that it wasn't meant to be. He agreed that this would be the last time. The losses were taking such a toll on both of us that we almost didn't want to try. But we did. And we got as far as 16 weeks this time. Even my doctor seemed heartbroken as she acknowledged that this baby, like the others, had failed to thrive. And once again, I had to have a procedure to remove the child.
I don't think I have ever experienced a more painful thing than losing a child. And I know that my experience wasn't as bad as those of my friends and family. Some women I know have had to acknowledge their child's death after carrying the baby almost to term. I cannot even imagine the level of grief that this brings. My heart goes out to any woman who has suffered a miscarriage or stillbirth. No matter what stage of the pregnancy you're at, once you've accepted the idea that you will one day be a mother, letting go of that is extremely difficult. Even if you've only had a few weeks with the child, the loss is always very real.
For many women, it takes a very long time to be able to process this type of loss. Writing about the loss is another challenge altogether. Some years ago, I wrote a short article about my experience with pregnancy loss for Alive Magazine. The story was titled, "Empty." I'm not sure if the magazine is still available, but for anyone who would like to read this article, I'm offering a free PDF copy of it during the month of October. Just email me at Highergroundbooksandmedia@gmail.com. I also share a bit more of my story in my books, From Judgment to Jubilee and Don't Be Stupid (And I Mean That in the Nicest Way). If you're interested, you can pick these up in the HGBM Shop.
And to all of the mothers out there who have had the unfortunate experience of losing a child, please accept my most sincere prayers that you will heal and grow as you continue to process the loss. Rest assured that God is taking care of our precious babies as He takes care of us and one day, we'll get to hold them in our arms again.
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